Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog

So, if you're the parent of an infant or toddler, chances are you've seen an episode of "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse," but have you actually watched it? While this show is great for keeping your child busy while you clean the kitchen or have a bowel movement in peace, there are a few disturbing factors associated with it.

1) Toodles--Toodles is a machine shaped like Mickey's head. It, as Mickey explains, "has the tools when we need 'em." Basically, this inch thick machination brings tools to help Mickey and his pals solve problems. These tools range from anything from a four foot strand of ribbon, to a baby elephant (interesting tool). Then there is the mystery mouske-tool, a surprise tool hidden by a question mark (?); it should be explained here that these tools, entirely by coincidence, are always helpful to Mickey and his pals in their daily problem solving adventures. While this is great and all, I'm not sure the educational ramifications of Toodles are such a good thing. Children are being taught that they can solve any problem they encounter by calling on someone or something that will have the necessary implements to get them out of a jam. Toodles, in a sense, dulls your child's imagination. And let's face it, who is Toodles in real life, me and you, only I don't have a baby elephant in a tutu in my closet in case there is a peanut shell accident in my child's room. Furthermore, as a parent and an adult, I wish I had a Toodles, and I wish his "tools" included money, good credit, and a vacation to the destination of my choice.

2) Professor Von Drake--Is it me, or does Von Drake remind you of one of the exiled German physicists who worked on the Manhattan project?

3) Pete the Cat--is little more than a thug. He's always trying to collect coins from the clubhouse members; he says stuff like, "Pete's my name, collecting coins is my game" and if you don't pay up, he complains to Mickey. At first glance, he's a henchman, but a weak one. After some more thought and a historical cross-reference, Pete is Walt Disney's embodiment of anti-Semitic sentiment.  One thing is for sure--he's clearly in someone's employ. The only thing that doesn't make sense about him is that he wears overalls.

4) Goofy--this is one retarded dog. Why is it that despite the fact that he and his pals call for Toodles the Mouske-tool on a daily basis, Goofy can never remember what they are called; "how's about we call one o' them, mouske-tiddlies, uh, mouske-doohickies;" what the hell is wrong with this dog? And why does he always forget to wear pants? What is his obsession with stinky shoes? Furthermore, why the hell is Goofy, a dog, dating Clarabelle, a cow? That's just gross. And why are they the same size? Is Goofy a really big dog, or is Clarabelle a baby cow (you know, a calf)? Is there statutory rape in the animal kingdom? The existence of Goofy is an insult to your children; he is making them dumber.

5) Clarabelle Cow--Who told this bitch (what do you call female cows anyway, is it the same as female dogs?)that she could sing? And why does she dress like a "bobby-soxer?" She's a cow, right? But she walks on two feet, her udders are always hidden, and she's banging a dog!

6) Donald Duck--I have to admit I have a soft spot this poor guy. He is essentially the "George Costanza" of the Mickey Mouse world. If bad things happen, they happen to him, and as he's fond of reminding us, "it's exasperating!" But why doesn't he wear any pants? Daisy wears pants (she's a Duck too, and Donald's girlfriend, so does every other character, including Von Drake, who is also a Duck).

7) Daisy Duck--this duck is kind of a bitch. She's always ordering Donald around and nothing is ever good enough for her. If Donald writes her a poem, she wants to know where the flowers are. If he gets her flowers, she wants chocolates--no wonder Donald is so exasperated, he can't do anything right! Maybe though we are approaching this all wrong. It seems to me that Daisy might not be all that into duck meat; she follows Minnie around like gold was dripping from her mouske-tail! If I were a betting man, I'd bet my "mouske-tool" that daisy was a mouse-muncher. Oh, and notice that though she wears a skirt, her tail feathers are always hanging out? It ain't for Donald's benefit, I'll tell you that.

8) Minnie Mouse--clearly she's banging Mickey. She struts around all day in her pristine polka-dot outfits and her bow on her head, but take a closer look at her. First of all, she's always in heels, but she can't walk in them. Then there's the fact that her panties are ALWAYS showing! Can't she afford a longer dress? Doesn't Mickey "take care of his bitches?" I don't know what the deal is but there is a weird vibe coming from this mouse; personally, I think she is getting moused and ducked and maybe even goofed and that's why she walks like she's got a stick up her mouse-hole.

9) Mickey Mouse--this guy! Seriously, this mouse is like a dictator and the rest of the characters are like the working proletariat. I think everything points to him being a mob boss. Think about it: he never wears a shirt and no one gives him shit; his "girl" struts around with her panties hanging out all day and no one beckons her to a dark corner of the clubhouse, he has his own secluded ranch (the clubhouse--with all the modern conveniences--including mechanical hands that open doors for him); he has a train, and a private airplane! Furthermore, Pete the (really fat) cat calls him Mickey "the Mouse" which is very reminiscent of some other names: Jimmy "the Fish" and "Jerry the Wolf"--this "mouse" is an autocrat and a pimp! Don't mess with the mouse is my advice or Willie "the Giant" might just pay you a visit and chop off your "beanstalk" if you know what I mean. Cats and dogs show him respect, you better too.