Trouble for Al Qaeda

 

 

In America we like to believe we are more civilized than other nations. We have ideals. We have democracy. We believe in mantras like: "Innocent until proven guilty" and "Don't judge a book by its cover."  We don't trample on people's civil liberties. This is America.

Tell that to 29 year old, Al Qaeda.

Mr. Qaeda has moved seven times in the past two years. "At first I tried moving within the same city. I thought, what are the chances of this happening again? After the third time I left Chicago for New York. When that didn't work out I switched coasts and moved to Seattle."

The seventh move, the move to Seattle, proved to be no different than the rest. On December 16, 2011 a swat team burst into Mr. Qaeda's apartment. They used percussion grenades and armed men crashed through the windows. Once the police had Mr. Qaeda secured on the floor, men from Homeland Security came into the apartment.

"They kept asking questions and I kept shaking my head. I couldn't understand what they were saying because the percussion grenades had burst my eardrums. I don't know if they thought I couldn't speak English or if I was being deliberately defiant, but they didn't like it," recalls Mr. Qaeda.

Luckily for Mr. Qaeda and the agencies involved, the interrogation didn't last long. At first, detectives were surprised to find letters, bills, and bank statements all addressed to Mr. Qaeda. They thought he must be the stupidest terrorist in the world. Then they began to put two and two together; Mr. Al Qaeda wasn't a terrorist at all, just mild-mannered Accountant with the worst possible name given the circumstances.

Since this latest incident several of Seattle's finest have been suspended without pay. One, the Sergeant in charge of the Swat incursion, has been dismissed. "I guess we should have been a little more diligent," says former Sergeant Miles. "We should have asked more questions, but all I heard on the phone was, Al Qaeda lives upstairs; I guess I was a little emotional. Certainly the teenagers laughing and watching from the end of the hallway should have been a tip-off."

We were also able to contact a representative from Homeland Security who commented with severity, "Look, I'll tell you exactly what we told Mr. Qaeda after the incident--if he wants to avoid similar mistakes in the future, he should really consider changing his name."

However, this is not an option for Mr. Qaeda, who is staunchly proud of his name which he happens to share with his father and his father before him. "Why don't I change my name? Because it is my name," he practically yells, "because I cannot have another in my life!"

Mr. Qaeda has since endured his eighth and hopefully, final move. "I'm going to Iran," he told us over the phone before he departed. "Hopefully there I can live out my life in peace and quiet."

Godspeed, Al Qaeda, Godspeed.

Divine Comedy

 

If history tells us anything, it is that God has less and less time for us. What scholars having been trying to figure out, is why? Is it simply a case of time management? That is, does God have so much to do in an ever expanding universe that he simply cannot find the time to deal with the petty necessities of man, or is he simply fed up with all our bullshit?

Scholars at the New School of Theology think it is the latter. "Just because we believe in God," Reverend James Hawthorne says, "doesn't mean he believes in us." In a world of increasing violence, disdain for all things religious, and rising cynicism, perhaps the good Reverend has a point.

One of the major problems according to Reverend Hawthorne is the system we have in place for communicating with God. "On the one hand," he tells us, "we have prayer. Through prayer we can talk directly to God and ask for his guidance, his forgiveness, his compassion. Unfortunately, too many human beings abuse the privilege. On average, how many prayers do you think God receives that are of a primarily selfish nature? And how many are superfluous? People ask God for help on their Algebra tests. They ask him to stop the room from spinning when they are too drunk. They ask to win the lottery. If you were God, how long would it take before you simply stopped listening? The thing is, prayer is like God's email; sure, there's some worthwhile stuff in there, but mostly it's just spam."

On the other hand, the major conduit for communication God has in place to speak to mankind is through prophets. While the idea of prophets and prophesy is a well established tradition, this form of communication has lost some of its cache in recent generations. "It used to be that we listened to the prophets," Cardinal Paul Breslow tells us. "They were revered. But prophesying became a way for people to get attention and in some cases, to make money. Imposters were abundant. As people became more and more cynical towards some of these self-proclaimed prophets they lost faith. Today if someone says that God is speaking through them, we lock them up in the nuthouse and medicate them into obscurity." The pervading feeling throughout the religious community is that because of mankind's ambivalence towards the modern day prophet, we might be missing some important messages from the divine. "Here at the New School of Theology," Reverend Hawthorne says, "we think it incumbent upon ourselves to make sure all so-called prophets have a chance to deliver their messages. We cannot leave this matter in the hands of skeptical, and sometimes atheist psychoanalysts; it's simply too important." As a result, The New School provides a safe haven for people who profess to communicate with God. "We like to think of it as the Lord's Ranch; a place where these people are safe from outside influence and intense mind altering therapy. We are also traditionalists at the Lord's Ranch. Every prophet is given a small cell to live in, two hair shirts, a flagellum (for self-mutilation), a bible, and a journal for keeping their thoughts. We feed them, cloth them, take them for supervised walks; in short we keep them safe." We should mention that all prophets are treated humanely and those that are deemed not to be in direct communication with God, but to be crackpots looking for attention are turned over to local psychiatric facilities.

However, this harvesting of prophets has come under fire recently. In a statement from the Vatican on Thursday, Pope Benedict XVI told reporters in broken English that the church in no way supports the herding of suspected prophets for the purposes of theological study or otherwise. "Even the crazies are God's children," the Pope states, "just as deserving of God's love as normal people or Jews."

Whether or not modern day prophets are just homeless people with psychological problems is still up for debate and a matter for theologians to decide. However, one thing is clear--human beings need a better way to communicate with the creator of Heaven and Earth. In this world of increasing violence, debilitating natural disasters, and religious cynicism, we need God's guidance more than ever. The next time you are in a park or walking under a freeway underpass and you happen to see a man or woman shoeless and covered in their own filth muttering to themselves, perhaps you should stop and listen; perhaps we all should. It is just possible that God is trying to tell us something and because we are afraid of the truth, we kill the messenger. Who knows, that loveable face in the psyche ward drooling on his or herself might just be the savior of mankind.

 

**Editors note: God was unavailable for comment concerning the issues mentioned in this article.

Samoan Helps Bridge Racial Gap

 

Long considered the black sheep of an increasingly fraudulent sports community, Samoan athletes are encouraged by the recent tribulations concerning Notre Dame star, Manti T'eo.  "We've been waiting for this for a long time," says Ed Fauatea, a self-proclaimed spokesman for the Samoan community. "For the longest time the only controversy surrounding Samoan athletes was Troy Polamalu's ridiculous hair. I think we've finally found our champion in Manti."

Looking back at sports history it is evident that cheating and manipulating the system as well as the fans has been an activity dominated by Caucasian and African American athletes. Scott Goodhoff, a beat writer for The Daily American notes that, "While in the past things like doping, the usage of PED's, and many other forms of cheating across the sports world have been essentially black and white (please excuse the pun), the participation in illegal activities recently by Hispanic and Latino athletes has been encouraging." He goes on to note that "an alarming number of Asian athletes, whether they be Asian American or of purely Asiatic decent, continue to approach sports with the utmost professionalism and integrity. With the emergence of a Samoan athlete involved in a sports scandal, we have hope that American sports traditions will finally make their way to mainland Asia."

It is fair to note that Samoans believe themselves to be an indigenous people and therefore separate from established archaeological findings suggesting that they share a common ancestry with Southeast Asians. This fact however, seems to be irrelevant to sports enthusiasts who look to see more diversity in the world of sports. John Thayer, a longtime admirer of Tiger Woods tells us, "Tiger was the first to bridge the gap. When he emerged onto the sports scandal scene no one had a clue what nationality he was; they still don't. The fact that Tiger seems to be a cultural melting pot is what makes him so great--you can attach blame to virtually any nationality you want. We're hoping to derive the same publicity out of Manti--is he Samoan? Polynesian? Asian? Hawaiian? If you ask me, the answer is, yes."

While Manti T'eo is not the first Samoan athlete to enter the world of American sports (Troy Polamalu, Lofa Tatupu, and Marques Tuiasosopo have all preceded him), Te'o, aside from the fact that he is the first to have been attached to scandal, enjoys the boon that his name is not as unpronounceable for American tongues as his predecessors. The combination of these two facts practically solidifies Manti's induction into a once racially exclusive club and ensures that his name will remain on the lips of sports enthusiasts the world over.

Armageddon-To-It

 

Just outside Tallahassee, Florida there is a rather rundown trailer home standing all alone next to a billboard advertising a "Gator Park" 5 miles down the road. The billboard is sun drenched and peeling and depicts a man holding open the jaws of an enormous alligator while he puts his face in the terrifying creature's mouth. Hundreds of people travel this stretch of road daily and while they all look at the billboard and briefly contemplate stopping at the gator park, none of them look at the trailer home and think of dropping in for a visit. But perhaps they would if they knew that within that dilapidated house on wheels lives a man whose sole purpose in life is to end the world as we know it. Inside this trailer lives 36 year old, Martin Spears, a one-time entrepreneur, would-be dictator, and down on his luck Anti-Christ.

The inside of the trailer is musty and dark. Martin Spears sits in a light blue recliner that has seen better days. He is wearing a lavender bathrobe that is open across the middle and nothing else but boxer shorts with the face of the Grinch stenciled on their front. His hair is greasy and the bottoms of his feet are dirty. Next to him is a T.V. stand, appropriately supporting an empty T.V. dinner dish now being used an as ashtray. Over the sounds of The Price Is Right, he begins his story: "It wasn't always like this you know. I had money, women, hell, I had half a million followers on Twitter! Now I live with my mom." He points over his shoulder to a leather faced woman somewhere between the ages of 45 and 75 wearing a housecoat and fluffy pink slippers. The disappointment in her son is a constant expression on her face. "Where did it all go wrong?" I ask him. "It all started with that idiot posting naked pictures of himself. I told him not to." For reasons of libel, neither of us mention the man by name. "I told him not to do it. I was his assistant. We were poised to make a run at the White House, but he was so obsessed with his own penis. He said it was pretty." Recounting the story makes Michael Spears wince even now. He gropes on the floor for a half full can of Pabst Blue Ribbon amid a dozen or so empties. "If that moron could have just kept it in his pants, I'd be re-writing Presidential policy even now. Maybe I'd have even usurped the position myself, who knows?"

For near an hour Michael Spears laments about this missed opportunity. He tells of half-brained schemes wherein the world economy has collapsed and World War 3 ends with nuclear war and the annihilation of billions of people. "It would have been so beautiful," he muses, "a masterpiece." Sulking he explains that he did have a plan B, devised shortly after he lost his political connections. "I wanted to create a cult," he says, "a big one, not like those half-assed ones started by Charles Manson or David Koresh, but something to be proud of. I took the money I had and bought a few dozen buildings. We started colonies and businesses all across the country. We were this close," he tells me holding his fingers and inch apart. When I ask him what happened he says one word, Obamacare. "Suddenly, all of my volunteers wanted wages and 401 K's and health insurance; even my wives wanted security for our children! It broke me, financially. I have nothing left."

"I'm just in a rut right now," he assures me, "Ever since that December 21st, 2012 passed I just don't feel as motivated as I used to, like I missed my chance. It really took the wind out of my sails." Broke, unwanted, and without many viable ideas for world domination, Michael Spears promises he will somehow bounce back. "I don't know how. I don't know when, but someday. I'll destroy you and everyone else on this stinking planet," he vows. This is hard to believe but nonetheless sends a chill up my spine. He has the look of a man crazy enough to do anything he puts his mind to. I for one will keep my eye out for Mr. Spears and maybe someday after a trip to the Tallahassee Gator Park, I'll pop in on him un-expectedly; I just hope to God he's still here.

Minnie Mouse Opens Up About Struggle with Bulimia

Guest Blogger Melissa Sedita (my wonderful wife) has some views on the double standards in Mousketelevison.

After nearly a century of working for Disney, Minerva "Minnie" Mouse has finally joined the ranks of starlets coming clean about their battle with Hollywood body standards. In her recent autobiography, One Hundred Years of Mousketude, Minnie admits that she, too, fell into the "mousekatrap" of looking thin to get movie roles.

After her first appearance in "Steamboat Willie," producers hinted that the polka-dotted costume seemed to "cling for dear life" on Minnie's 1'3, 7 lb frame. Determined to be strong for her fans, she refused several diet programs and countless diet pills. Finally, when friends and family suggested that she only had one shot at this career and didn't have many options beyond prostituting herself in seedy mouse holes, Minnie caved--though in secret.

"I started to binge and purge and it became addicting when I saw results," she admits.

And apparently it paid off, though not without a price. On the set of the 1930 film "The Shindig," Minnie had gone days without so much as a crumb and had to be hospitalized after passing out on the set.

Longtime friend Donald Duck remembers that day. "She was saying things that didn't make sense. She couldn't walk straight and finally passed out during a dance number with Clarabelle Cow. I have a feeling that the pressure had just gotten too heavy, even though she was working alongside a literal cow."

In addition to her internal struggles, in her memoir, Minnie also candidly discusses the sexual harassment on the set of various television productions.

"I had to show my underpants in every costume I ever wore. It got so bad that all of the male cast members kept asking me if I wanted to do the Hot Dog dance, and if I knew what they meant. Mickey was the worst of all of them," she says with eyes closed.

Representatives for Mickey Mouse declined to comment.

Now, however, on the road to recovery, Minnie has decided to spend the remaining years of her career as a spokesperson for young mice fighting the same battle.

"It's got to stop sometime. How small can a mouse get before she disappears? I refuse to be quiet when there are so many young animals affected by this demented business."

As for her career plans, Minnie is considering signing with Nickelodeon, pending a contract release from Disney.

"It's time to move on," she says. "I'm ready to let loose a bit, curse once or twice, and Nickelodeon is notoriously more vulgar. If I'm going to get sexually harassed, I want to be able to tell these mousketools where to stick it."

Love For Tebow

 

 Granted, Tim Tebow is not your prototypical NFL quarterback. But should it matter? As Skip Bayless has pointed out time and again, all he does is win--so what's the problem? He has terrible mechanics. He struggles with accuracy. Is he the only NFL quarterback who struggles with these issues?

                Now, I'll be the first to admit that the New York Jets experiment was a colossal bust, but not because of anything Tebow did. He was not brought in to play the position, something made evident by the manner in which he was treated. Tebow was brought to the Jets as a gimmick by a team on the decline, a team with no integrity and even less talent. I wonder how many people went to Jets game on the off chance they might get to see Tebow play? And this was exactly what the organization was banking on because they knew as sure as I'm sitting here that they were in for a dismal season. Let's take a look at Sanchez' line for the season: He went 246- 453 with a completion percentage of 54.3. He threw for 2883 yards with 13 TD's and 18 Int's; you mean to tell me Tebow couldn't have done better than that? I, for one, am dubious. Now let's take a look at some stats from some other young quarterbacks around the league this year--quarterbacks who don't get near the criticism Tim Tebow does.

Blaine Gabbert: with a starting record of 1-9, Gabbert attempted 278 passes and completed 162 for a percentage of 58.3. He racked up 1662 yards with 9 TD's and 6 INT's--hardly stellar.

Christian Ponder: 483 attempts and 300 completions for a percentage of 62.1. He threw for 2935 yards with 18 TD's and 12 INT's--not bad, except these numbers are deceiving; Ponder failed to record a single throwing touchdown in five games this year and while the Vikings went to the playoffs, it took Adrian Peterson falling 9 yards shy of the single season rushing record to get them there, not Ponder's prowess as a QB.

Ryan Tannehill: 7-9 on the season, the Dolphins QB attempted 484 passes and completed 282 for a percentage of 58.3. He recorded 3294 yards with 12 TD's and 13 INT's.

Brandon Weeden: 5-10 on the season, Weeden attempted 517 passes completing 297 for a percentage of 57.4. He compiled 3385 yards with 14 TD's and 17 INT's.

                Now let's take a look at Tebow's 2011 stats with the Denver Broncos (I know, but we have to as it was his only year in the league as a starter). In 11 games he posted a record of 7-4. He attempted 271 passes completing 126 of them for a percentage of 46.5. He threw for 1729 yards with 12 TD's and 6 INT's. However, he also racked up 660 yards rushing with 6 more TD's. Oh, and he bested the vaunted Pittsburgh Steelers defense in the first round of the playoffs.

                Sure Tebow's completion percentage is way below the others mentioned above, but his Touchdown to Interception ratio is way better and so is his rushing statistics. Many people give all the credit for that winning season to the Denver Broncos defense and I'm not going to try to take anything away from them, but Tebow played his part, and a significant one at that. Unless I'm mistaken, in the NFL you still have to outscore the other team to win. And Tebow found a way to get that done.

                Fine, I'm no football guru, nor do I claim to be, but I see something in Tim Tebow. The guy wants to win and seven times out of eleven he finds a way to accomplish this goal. That's good enough to get your team to the playoffs. It's good enough to get you a chance at a Superbowl. I truly believe that if Tebow is given a chance, he will improve. You have to play the game in this league to get better. No one comes off the bench and tears the league up consistently.

                Finally, why should a team give Tebow a chance? Love him or hate him, he puts butts in the seats (which is the ultimate goal of every franchise as well as the league). He is a public relations dream come true. In a league where convicted felons continue to play with minimal repercussions, drug users get a slap on the wrists, and multi-million dollar players don't finish tackles for fear of injury, a guy like Tim Tebow is a breath of fresh air. As a fan of the game, I'd rather watch a guy like Tebow, who does everything right on and off the field, fail, than watch some of these other guys succeed. But maybe that's just me.

                The only question remains is where does a guy like Tim Tebow with his skill-set fit in? To be successful Tebow needs a team with three major components: an above average running back, a good defense, and an even better offensive line. Here are some possible choices:

1. The Jacksonville Jaguars--The Jags went 2-14; they need all the help they can get. Because of their dismal season, they can spend the whole draft helping themselves on defense and the offensive line. With a running back as dynamic as Maurice Jones-Drew, pressure will be taken of Tebow opening the door for the play action pass and an effective run option offense. The explosive Cecil Shorts and bulk of Justin Blackmon at wide receiver would also be a big help. Finally, Jacksonville is a franchise in limbo with no real fan base and poor ticket sales; a guy like Tebow could change that for the better.

2. The Tennessee Titans--A record of 6-10 is a definite disappointment, but with Tebow, there would be some upside. For one thing the veteran presence of Matt Hasselbeck would be a benefit to Tebow. Chris Johnson gives Tebow the same benefits as Jones-Drew and the Titans would have less work to do with their offensive line and defense.

3. The Philadelphia Eagles--A dismal season (4-12) led to the firing of Andy Reid and showed the limitations of Michael Vick, but the Eagles already have everything in place for Tebow to be successful. They've got LeShaun McCoy and Bryce Brown, a big tight end in Brent Celek, wide receiver speed in DeShawn Jackson and a great slot receiver in Jeremy Maclin. The defense has a lot of talent, they just need some heart. The only downfall is the offensive line which needs work. Plus Philadelphia fans need something to rally behind--success would be nice.

4. The Kansas City Chiefs --Andy Reid is a quarterback guru; if he can't make Tebow better, no one can. Plus they've got Jamaal Charles in the backfield and the big receiver, Dwayne Bowe. That defense is getting better and better and so is the offensive line. With only one winning season since 2007 this year they were 2-14, Chiefs fans would appreciate a change for the better.

5. The New York Jets (6-10)--That's right, I said it. The Jets aren't a bad fit for Tebow. The offensive line is soild. The defense is good and will be better with Revis back next year. Shonn Green showed signs of life and Bilal Powell has some skill. Where the Jets are lacking is offense; they need a whole new wide receiving core, though Dustin Keller would be a great target for Tebow at tight end. Sanchez hasn't worked out and McIlroy obviously isn't the answer. The Jets fan base is livid with the team's management and probably quite a few of them would have enjoyed seeing Tebow under center; anything to get the focus off "butt fumble."

                I've got love for Tim Tebow. He's not the best quarterback in the NFL, but he's not the worst either. And if there is one thing statistics don't show (as Jalen Rose says) it's heart, and Tebow has a big one. Maybe it's time for everybody to back off Tebow and give him a chance. If he fails, then all the naysayers can feel justified, but if he succeeds (and he's done nothing else so far in his career) maybe the boy can finally get some credit for what he brings to the field. Tim Tebow might not be your prototypical quarterback but neither is Colin Kaepernick, RGIII, or Russell Wilson; how did they fare this year?

Al Qaeda Swan Song

Recent interviews with leaders of Al Qaeda reveal that the militant group has mixed feelings about the demobilization of the American military presence in Afghanistan. It turns out that American soldiers have brought a number of creature comforts to the impoverished country which Afghanis might otherwise have never been introduced to. One high ranking Taliban official who desired to remain anonymous stated that, "Without the American military presence, it might have taken the Afghani government close to a decade to fully understand the secrets (and benefits) of the microwave oven. Without the magic produced by this boxed technology, I am dubious the children of Allah would have been introduced to the bean burrito in my lifetime." This same official lauded the availability of such "space aged" technology as the iPod nano and "cellular phones that fit in the palm of your hand." While the technological influx has been a welcomed addition to Afghani culture, another top official, Muhammed al Hamaas laments the possible closing of McDonald's once the troops leave: "How are we supposed to go back in time and forget that we have tasted a Big Mac?" he posits. "This is not something one can simply forget; it is like having a conversation with God about the mysteries of the Universe and then forgetting what has been said." Perhaps the biggest blow however, will be to the economy. "Plans were underway to open a Wal-Mart Superstore," says Hamaas, "which would have created hundreds if not thousands of new jobs for my people. Sure, Wal-Mart employees are forbidden to unionize, but this is something my people are used to." Hamaas went on to postulate, "Where are my people supposed to buy 50 lbs. of goat feed at 3 o'clock in the morning? And in their pajamas?" However, he noted, "I think a lot of tension would have come about from both Taliban and American military standing next to each other in line to buy guns and ammunition."

                Not everyone is sad to see American influence wane in the area. Kalifah al Swazi notes that the American presence, "severely hampers our ability to oppress our women and children. Once they [Americans] leave we can get back to normalcy in the region. How American men can stand to listen to their wife's feelings on a daily basis, I'll never understand. It must be the reason their laws allow them only one at a time." When questioned as to whether or not he would be happy to see an end to the conflict between the two nations, Swazi stated, "It will be nice not to get shot at by foreigners; it is time we got back to the time honored tradition of shooting at each other unsupervised."

                Perhaps more astonishing than the mixed feelings generated by the impending American military demobilization within the terrorist community is the uncertainty of American troops themselves. While a great many soldiers are looking forward to returning to "civilization," others are nervous about the transition back into normal life. As PFC John Jones puts it, "I've been shooting at people for five years, now I'm supposed to go back to what, shooting at animals, or worse, nothing at all?" Others who had recently been informed about new gun law restrictions said: "I might as well stay here. Who would have thought the Afghani government would be better at protecting my civil liberties?" And yet the most difficult part for American soldiers might be, as one sergeant put it, "Explaining to my wife and kids back home about my wives and kids in Afghanistan."

                Whatever the outcome of the demobilization of American troops in Afghanistan may be, one thing is for certain, a lot of people, both American and Afghani are going to get their feelings hurt as a direct result of the parting. As one anonymous soldier put it, "We're all just people trying to get along in this crazy world. Sure, we've all got guns and sometimes there are misunderstandings, but for the most part, I really like it here. There's something beautiful about the canopy of night sky illuminated by the bursting of thousands of ordinance--I'm going to miss it."