Trouble for Al Qaeda

 

 

In America we like to believe we are more civilized than other nations. We have ideals. We have democracy. We believe in mantras like: "Innocent until proven guilty" and "Don't judge a book by its cover."  We don't trample on people's civil liberties. This is America.

Tell that to 29 year old, Al Qaeda.

Mr. Qaeda has moved seven times in the past two years. "At first I tried moving within the same city. I thought, what are the chances of this happening again? After the third time I left Chicago for New York. When that didn't work out I switched coasts and moved to Seattle."

The seventh move, the move to Seattle, proved to be no different than the rest. On December 16, 2011 a swat team burst into Mr. Qaeda's apartment. They used percussion grenades and armed men crashed through the windows. Once the police had Mr. Qaeda secured on the floor, men from Homeland Security came into the apartment.

"They kept asking questions and I kept shaking my head. I couldn't understand what they were saying because the percussion grenades had burst my eardrums. I don't know if they thought I couldn't speak English or if I was being deliberately defiant, but they didn't like it," recalls Mr. Qaeda.

Luckily for Mr. Qaeda and the agencies involved, the interrogation didn't last long. At first, detectives were surprised to find letters, bills, and bank statements all addressed to Mr. Qaeda. They thought he must be the stupidest terrorist in the world. Then they began to put two and two together; Mr. Al Qaeda wasn't a terrorist at all, just mild-mannered Accountant with the worst possible name given the circumstances.

Since this latest incident several of Seattle's finest have been suspended without pay. One, the Sergeant in charge of the Swat incursion, has been dismissed. "I guess we should have been a little more diligent," says former Sergeant Miles. "We should have asked more questions, but all I heard on the phone was, Al Qaeda lives upstairs; I guess I was a little emotional. Certainly the teenagers laughing and watching from the end of the hallway should have been a tip-off."

We were also able to contact a representative from Homeland Security who commented with severity, "Look, I'll tell you exactly what we told Mr. Qaeda after the incident--if he wants to avoid similar mistakes in the future, he should really consider changing his name."

However, this is not an option for Mr. Qaeda, who is staunchly proud of his name which he happens to share with his father and his father before him. "Why don't I change my name? Because it is my name," he practically yells, "because I cannot have another in my life!"

Mr. Qaeda has since endured his eighth and hopefully, final move. "I'm going to Iran," he told us over the phone before he departed. "Hopefully there I can live out my life in peace and quiet."

Godspeed, Al Qaeda, Godspeed.