Monday, January 14, 2013

Al Qaeda Swan Song


Recent interviews with leaders of Al Qaeda reveal that the militant group has mixed feelings about the demobilization of the American military presence in Afghanistan. It turns out that American soldiers have brought a number of creature comforts to the impoverished country which Afghanis might otherwise have never been introduced to. One high ranking Taliban official who desired to remain anonymous stated that, "Without the American military presence, it might have taken the Afghani government close to a decade to fully understand the secrets (and benefits) of the microwave oven. Without the magic produced by this boxed technology, I am dubious the children of Allah would have been introduced to the bean burrito in my lifetime." This same official lauded the availability of such "space aged" technology as the iPod nano and "cellular phones that fit in the palm of your hand." While the technological influx has been a welcomed addition to Afghani culture, another top official, Muhammed al Hamaas laments the possible closing of McDonald's once the troops leave: "How are we supposed to go back in time and forget that we have tasted a Big Mac?" he posits. "This is not something one can simply forget; it is like having a conversation with God about the mysteries of the Universe and then forgetting what has been said." Perhaps the biggest blow however, will be to the economy. "Plans were underway to open a Wal-Mart Superstore," says Hamaas, "which would have created hundreds if not thousands of new jobs for my people. Sure, Wal-Mart employees are forbidden to unionize, but this is something my people are used to." Hamaas went on to postulate, "Where are my people supposed to buy 50 lbs. of goat feed at 3 o'clock in the morning? And in their pajamas?" However, he noted, "I think a lot of tension would have come about from both Taliban and American military standing next to each other in line to buy guns and ammunition."

                Not everyone is sad to see American influence wane in the area. Kalifah al Swazi notes that the American presence, "severely hampers our ability to oppress our women and children. Once they [Americans] leave we can get back to normalcy in the region. How American men can stand to listen to their wife's feelings on a daily basis, I'll never understand. It must be the reason their laws allow them only one at a time." When questioned as to whether or not he would be happy to see an end to the conflict between the two nations, Swazi stated, "It will be nice not to get shot at by foreigners; it is time we got back to the time honored tradition of shooting at each other unsupervised."

                Perhaps more astonishing than the mixed feelings generated by the impending American military demobilization within the terrorist community is the uncertainty of American troops themselves. While a great many soldiers are looking forward to returning to "civilization," others are nervous about the transition back into normal life. As PFC John Jones puts it, "I've been shooting at people for five years, now I'm supposed to go back to what, shooting at animals, or worse, nothing at all?" Others who had recently been informed about new gun law restrictions said: "I might as well stay here. Who would have thought the Afghani government would be better at protecting my civil liberties?" And yet the most difficult part for American soldiers might be, as one sergeant put it, "Explaining to my wife and kids back home about my wives and kids in Afghanistan."

                Whatever the outcome of the demobilization of American troops in Afghanistan may be, one thing is for certain, a lot of people, both American and Afghani are going to get their feelings hurt as a direct result of the parting. As one anonymous soldier put it, "We're all just people trying to get along in this crazy world. Sure, we've all got guns and sometimes there are misunderstandings, but for the most part, I really like it here. There's something beautiful about the canopy of night sky illuminated by the bursting of thousands of ordinance--I'm going to miss it."

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