Lebron James spends more time on his back than most hookers!

It is only half time of game one between the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks--and I have never seen a more poorly officiated game! If I didn't know any better, I'd say the referees officiating this game have an agenda. Lebron James has repeatedly fallen, flopped, and flailed all over the court and each time it has been called a foul. As a basketball fan, I am tired of the refs coddling superstars; these men are athletes and in better physical condition than 90% of the human population, yet they are treated like teenage girls with brittle bone disease. Why? Because they are so grossly overpaid! One of these athletes getting hurt can literally bankrupt a team and the NBA simply will not allow it. I can almost guarantee there is a directive instructing referees to protect big name players so, if you are a run of the mill guy on an NBA team, try not to blow on Lebron with too much force, he will flop like a ten dollar whore on Motel 6 mattress and you'll be lucky not to get fined.

I'm entirely disgusted and it makes me want to forego watching the entire playoffs....

A.L. East Preview (Continued)

The Boston Red Sox--

I was tempted to go with someone else here, namely, Toronto, for two reasons; 1) At some point The Yankees and Red Sox will not finish one and two in the east and, 2) There is a lot of turmoil in Red Sox nation right now. However, I just couldn't do it. Let's see why.

Though new Manager, Bobby Valentine seems to have his hands full, I'm pretty sure he and the team will over some the adversity. I know that Valentine questioned Youkilis' desire and effort, and I know that Pedroia came to his teammate's defense, causing what would seem to be a decisive rift in the Sox clubhouse, but let's face it, after the heroic collapse at the end of last season and "beer-gate" I doubt a little spat like this is going to ruin the Sox' season. For one thing, valentine is a seasoned baseball guy and manager; he probably knows more about the game than anyone alive and he will right the ship. Also, the Sox simply have too much talent, ie. too much invested in this team to let the season go to hell. Once they start winning, and they will, it will be all smiles in the dugout.

Pitching:

Beckett and Lester are the aces of the rotation. Are they going to be as dominant as they have in past years, probably not, but they are good for 16 wins a piece and that could turn out to be a conservative estimate. Bucholz will find his rhythm and will win big games for the Sox; he's got great stuff and he's a tough kid. After the way Doubront pitched against the Yanks, I'm willing to take a leap of faith in this kid and say he'll win 12-14 games.  As for bard, he's got electric stuff but he's played the relief role most of his big league career, he just needs to figure out how to be a starter in this league, which he will eventually do.

Relief Pitching:

Obviously, this is where the Sox are hurting. With the loss of Papelbon and the injury to new closer Andrew Bailey, the Sox have no one of note in their bullpen and it shows. The bullpen is losing games for this squad right now, but look for the Sox to correct the issue, either via the trade or bringing someone up through the farm system.

Offense:

The Sox still have a potent offense led by Adrian Gonzalez and the resurgent, Big Papi. Not only will Gonzalez hit over .300 but he's good for 30+ homers and 110+ RBI, combine that with Ortiz' 30 homers and close to a 100 (if not over) RBI and you've got a really good core. Youkilis will find his bat as he always does and will definitely end up at or over .300 and at or over 30 homers. Also, look for Pedroia to contribute mightily. He'll have a line of about .320 avg./ 26 HR/ 95 RBI this year and look for him to finish at or above 25 stolen bases. Obviously one of the major concerns for the Sox is their outfield. Crawford seems perpetually hurt and he didn't look all that terrific last year when he was healthy. I'm not sure if he was a flash in the pan or not, or if he is one of those guys who gets the big contract and rolls over, or if he was legitimately trying to figure out playing for a new team, but in order for the Red Sox to be successful, Crawford has to pull it together and have a good year for them. More disconcerting than Crawford is the Ellsbury situation. We were told he would be out for something like six weeks, but the recent trade for Marlon Byrd suggests otherwise. If Ellsbury can't make it back this year, the Sox are in trouble; not only would they be missing their place setter, but they'll had to lose his speed on the bases as well as his new found power.

All of this being said, the Sox still have a potent offense and they will definitely piece together a winning season. However, look for a more consistent season out of them; they won't go on an 80-50 stretch like they did last year, but they have too much talent to slip below the Toronto's and Tampa Bay's and Baltimore's in the division. I'm going to say they finish somewhere in the neighborhood of 86-76, a full ten games out of first place, and that they will miss the playoffs for the second straight season.

To those of you in Red Sox nation, I'm sorry, but you have to be realistic.

Fun with Plastic

I saw a picture of Madonna today and she looked terrible. In the spirit of making fun of celebrities for their vain and terrible decisions, I thought I would take a look at some of the more garish examples of "Fun with Plastic" in Hollywood.

Warning: The material below contains graphic and in some cases, nauseating depictions. This material is not suitable for children.

Madonna:

The Material girl is over fifty and she's clearly uncomfortable with it. Though she has managed to keep her body in tremendous shape, father time caught up with her face. The result is not so good. She is starting to look like that woman who had all the plastic surgery done to make her look like a cat (Jocelyn Wildenstein). On the upside, Madonna can now say there is something on her body as stretched and abused as her vagina.

Nicole Kidman:

I'm not even sure why she got plastic surgery; she didn't need it. Apparently though, she's a serial abuser of botox. I heard there was supposed to be a second Bewitched movie, but production stopped because Nicole can no longer wrinkle her nose.

Gary Busey:

Busey is one of my favorite human beings because his outside matches his inside; just a crazy collection of biological elements on display in no discernible order. I am literally afraid that Busey will read this, show up to my house dressed in camouflage with a turkey-baster and a car battery, forget why he's there, and ask if I have any Girl Scout cookies.

Bruce Jenner:

Poor Bruce Jenner; he's the only one in his family whose name doesn't start or end with a K. He literally went to a plastic surgeon and asked for a face that portrays perpetual disappointment in his children--the muscles in his face had disintegrated from scowling so much.

Michael Jackson:

Had so many plastic surgeries he actually had to have facial hair surgically implanted! I know he was talented, but he had some serious mental issues. A thousand years from now someone is going to come across his corpse and what they will find is a perfectly preserved face (albeit an inhuman looking one) attached to a skeleton.

Mr. Potato Head:

In a world where fame and celebrity is fleeting, Mr. Potato Head has managed to stay popular for forty years. While most of his family members have gone the way of the side dish, Potato head has managed to stay one step ahead of decay by continually recycling his facial features. Though these appendages fall off from time to time, he simply picks them back up, dusts them off, inserts them into the waiting facial cavity and moves on with life with a majesty and pride that is unparalleled in Hollywood.

So, I was going to post the Saturday Night Live spoof on this, but after watching it, I think it might actually be funnier than the skit. Of course I'm gonna post the skit too (which is funny as heck), but I thought it would be interesting to see the "seed" from which the spoof grew.

A.L. East Preview

A.L. East Preview    

It's baseball season again and boy, I could not be happier. As a native New Yorker, I am, of course, a Yankees fan. As such, I thought it would be fun to do an A.L. East preview, breaking down each of the five teams. I will try my best not to let any biased judgments pervade this assessment. We will look at one team a day; I will present them in the order they will finish in the division.

The New York Yankees--

Starting Pitching:

In a rather surprising move, (or lack thereof) the Yankees were relatively quiet during the offseason. The focus, it seems, was to improve the pitching staff, something all Yankees fans thought the front office accomplished with the surprise trade of catcher, Jesus Montero for young pitching phenom, Michael Pineda. While analysts and Yankees fans alike praised this move, our joy was short-lived. Pineda has been a disappointment from day one; he had a terrible spring followed by a stint on the D.L. before the season opener. Now we are being told his "injury" is more significant than previously believed, and manager Joe Girardi says he has no idea when Pineda will return to the team.

We also signed veteran pitcher, Hiroki Kuroda. Though 37, Kuroda has shown he can be a dominant pitcher and is a reliable, veteran presence in the clubhouse. So far, Kuroda, has been both brilliant and abysmal; let's hope this is a result of coming over from the N.L. rather than a sign of his age.

Like many retirees before him, Andy Pettitte (39), just couldn't stay retired, so the Yankees signed him to a one year contract. I'm not sure how I feel about the signing, but we'll have to see what Andy has left in the tank. I like him as a mentor to the younger guys on the staff, but not as an every day starter; keep him in the pen as a long reliever, a spot starter (when necessary), and someone the young guys can come to with questions, but I don't like him taking a spot in the rotation away from guys who are going to be your future.  Andy's presence has put pressure on the young guys, and two in particular have responded, one poorly (Phil Hughes), the other (Ivan Nova) in dramatic fashion.

C.C. is C.C. enough said. He'll win 18 games before all is said and done. Right now the weak links in the rotation are Hughes and Garcia. The Yankees will only go so far as their pitching so look for Pettitte and Pineda (if he can get healthy) to take these two spots in the rotation. If not, look for the Yankees to trade for someone.

Relief Pitching:

No worries here. Well, almost no worries. David Robertson is picking up where he left off last year, fanning guys left and right. Mariano Rivera is, and has been (for like a half century) the best closer in the game, despite his age. Logan, Wade, Rapada, and Phelps have been solid thus far. The one weak link has been Soriano. I just don't know if he can mentally be that guy in the seventh inning. Since coming over from Tampa Bay (where he was a highly successful closer) he has been forced to pitch behind Robertson and Mo which has been a tough transition for Soriano. I think he came in thinking he was the heir apparent to Rivera but, due to the fact that Rivera refuses to retire and that he has been out pitched by Robertson, Soriano can't make any headway in Joe Girardi's circle of trust. If he can get his head on straight and accept the role he's been given, Soriano can be a dominant relief pitcher, making for one of the best bullpens in all of baseball. If not, he'll find himself on the trading block so that the Yanks can shore up their woes in the rotation.

Offense:

Derek Jeter (37) is off to one of the best starts in his career. he mentioned earlier this year that if he didn't feel he had it any more, he would hang 'em up--well, it doesn't look like he's ready to retire, but don't look for him to keep up the torrid pace all year; right now he's fresh, but it's a long season! He'll have Jeter numbers, but Yankee fans need to reconcile themselves with the fact that the days of watching number 2 stride onto the field are fewer in front than behind.

Over the past few years, the big bats for the Yankees have been found in the hands of Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira. A-Rod has seen a fall in production over the last couple of years, but he has also been plagues by injuries and has been a bit consumed with his new Hollywood lifestyle. Look for him to have a turnaround year though; he won't hit forty homeruns again in his career, but he should come through with a respectable, .282 avg./26 long balls/101 RBI. As for Teixeira, a notoriously slow starter, things are looking up. His bat is coming around and we're still in April, which is a good sign. Look for him to post numbers in the area of, .271 avg./32 homers/113 RBI.

The real bright spots for the Yankees offense come from three guys: Robinson Cano, Curtis Granderson, and Nick Swisher. Cano is an obvious talent and people are talking about him being a batting champion some day; the Yankees certainly hope so. Cano, like the other 3 guys on this list is in a contract year and as we've seen time and again in baseball, that's a heck of a motivator! Look for Cano to go, .319/36 HR/121 RBI. Granderson is the real deal and he's also in a contract year. The Yankees front office has already said that they don't see how they are going to pay Cano and manage to keep Granderson and Swisher, but the latter two guys are going to make it tough on the front office. Granderson has the potential to be a forty (HR)-forty (stolen bases) guy and that kind of production just isn't easy to come by. Look for him to have numbers in the area of, .265 avg./36 HR/117 RBI. As for Swisher, I love this guy and the Yankees should do everything they can to keep him. He's a real clubhouse guy and a pretty decent guy off the field as well. He has one of the best eyes in baseball and has the most walks by any player in the past five years. That not only makes for a great on base percentage, but when you combine it with the fact that he'll smack 25 or more homeruns and get over 90 RBI's, he'd be hard to let go. He also has the potential to hit .300, a mark he's been flirting with over the last two years.

The rest of the offense is good. Gardener (as soon as he gets off the D.L.) is a pro-typical lead-off man and is good for almost, if not more than, 50 stolen bases a year. Perhaps this year he'll hit for a better average and learn to bunt for a single more than occasionally. Martin is a solid catcher and pretty good offensively as well. The old guys, Ibanez, Jones, and Chavez, make for a good veteran presence (Jones and Chavez have collected their share of Gold Gloves in the past and Ibanez and Jones know what it's like to play for a championship squad) and should be able to contribute somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 home runs and 90 RBI's collectively.

Look for the Yankees to win the division (if they can stay healthy) and post a mark of somewhere in the neighborhood of 96-66.

This is one of the more hilarious things I have ever seen.

Love in an Elevator

(This will be a recurring segment)

Living in NYC has given me a different perspective on elevator riding. Since all of the buildings here are multi-storey (in some cases 80-100 floors), elevators are not only a way of life, but an irreplaceable one at that. However, as you might imagine, this modern convenience has brought out the worst in some people. I have very nearly gotten in more than one physical altercation trying to get into an elevator and have certainly given people a "what's for" on more than one occasion. I would like to share some of these instances with you and you can be the judge; have I been overreacting, or were my tirades not only justified but a part of my civic duty....

ASA Institute of Technology, Brooklyn New York:

I won't get into what a terrible school this was, or how it was an incredibly horrible place to work, but I had more than one elevator scrap while working there for eight months. The school itself is not a tall building, only five floors, but the majority of students will be damned if they climb the stairs. It is also a very old building with an ancient elevator that is always getting stuck between floors. In a feeble attempt to keep this from happening, a simple "no more than five people" at a time sign has been placed both outside and inside the elevator. As you can imagine, no one gives a shit. One day, as I step into the elevator with four other people and the door begins to close, a hand slips through. The door swings back open and two young women of Hispanic dissent step into the elevator (they are in their early twenties and one of them is extremely obese). As they do so, the whole car drops about an inch. I close my eyes and sigh loudly. One of the girls presses the button for floor number one. The doors close, the elevator makes a groaning noise, moves about half a foot, settles back into the lobby and the door opens again. One of the girls presses the 1 button again, but this time, instead of letting the door close, I stick my hand out to keep them open. The smaller of the two girls looks at me. I point to the sign above her head indicating that we have eclipsed the safe number of passengers by two. She shrugs he shoulders and tells me to get out. Now, keep in mind that first of all, I work there, I'm an instructor, and she's just a student; also, I am going to the fifth floor and she's going to the first. I was here first, I tell her, you and your friend should get out; another shrug of the shoulders. I'm not moving my hand until someone gets out, I say. The seven of us stand around in silence for a full two minutes. Finally, some guy at the back of the elevator excuses himself and leaves. I am not satisfied. The girl stares at me defiantly. I'll stand here all day, I tell her. She crosses her arms and says something derogatory about me to her friend in Spanish; I speak Spanish. Are you going to get out, I ask her. I'm going to be late for class, she says. I don't give a shit, I reply. Another passenger leaves the elevator. Just as I said, I don't give a shit; I'm waiting for her to leave. You're a dick, she tells me. Fuck you, you lazy bitch, I reply. She looks like she's about to pull a razor blade from her purse, but I don't care; I'd love to pop her a good one. I'm gonna report you, she tells me. Go ahead, I say, I'm a teacher here, I'll have you expelled; your word against mine, I say. I see the look of resignation on her face. She leaves, her fat friend shuffles off too. I tell the chubby girl she can get back on, that there's room; she looks at her friend, shrugs her shoulders and gets back on. We go up to the first floor. The doors open, and waiting for her friend is the girl I kicked off; I give her the finger, I just hold it there until the doors close.

Your Personal Style (or lack thereof)

In continuance of Justmansense's foray into the world of style, I thought it might be fun to look at some of the more nonsensical personal style choices still being made by people. Here are the ones I find hilarious, ie. the most distasteful:

DISCLAIMER: It was tempting to separate this into two blogs--one for the men and one for the women, but as I began the list, I found that a number of these transcended gender as you will notice as you read further. Therefore, in the interest of personal sanity, I combined the two. I apologize if this particular blog is longer than normal.

The Rat Tail:

Believe it or not, there are people out there still sporting a rat tail! Granted, they are usually 50 year old women who bartend in dimly lit bars in rural Texas, but they exist. If you don't live in Texas, try your local Walmart.

The Mullet:

God, but it is hard to resist a man with a mullet! First popularized by Billy Ray Cyrus, the mullet spread like wildfire through the Appalachian mountain region, made its way into countless trailer homes, and finally found its resting place in small town upstate New York. We thought it died there, but in true Darwinian form, the mullet adapted, and through the miracle of evolution found its way onto the heads of millions of plaid wearing lesbians--Viva la Mullet!

The Track Suit:

Once the garment of choice for thousands of unemployed Italian Americans, the track suit has experienced a renaissance of sorts and can now been seen on just about any unemployed American of any ethnic background. The once rigid prerequisite of the track suit being accompanied by a plain white tank top (commonly referred to as the "wife beater") and a gold necklace (generally a large cross or a name such as, Tony) is a thing of the past. Today, quality clothing manufacturers such as, Lacoste and Juicy Couture are offering a wide variety of track suits made from such luxurious materials as velvet; you can even have the word "juicy" written across your bottom on the off chance fellow pedestrians mistook your bum for something a little more on the dehydrated side.

Mis-matched patterns:

One of the more disturbing fashion trends of today is the prevalence of people wearing clothes of mis-matching patterns--for example, one might where a polka-dotted shirt with an extremely colorful skirt , or a Hawaiian type shirt with loud, plaid pants. I'm not sure when it became trendy to dress like a drunken professional golfer, but the trend seems to be everywhere. I think the thing that disturbs me the most is that these people are mocking the blind, who cannot even see to defend themselves.

Uggs and Jean Skirts:

Actually, this applies to any kind of heavy boot or fur lined boot. You look like an Eskimo on vacation who wears her boots "just in case." The thing is, it's hot out (we know this because you are wearing a skirt) therefore, your feet stink.

Sandal Boots:

Doesn't this defeat the purpose of a boot? Was there a sale at "Forever 32 B.C.?" FYI, it's 2012, ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?"

Non-functional Belts:

This alarming trend of women wearing belts around their midriff scares and confuses men. If the belt isn't holding your pants up, what is it for? What are you hiding? A beer belly? Oh crap, are you pregnant? Whenever you feel the urge to wear a belt over your shirt I want you to first consider whether or not said belt would fit in the belt loops so generously provided for you by your pants, if the answer is "no" give your belt back to 1969 so Mr. Spock can finish dressing.

The Popped Collar:

Fonzi did it, so why shouldn't you? I'll tell you why, it's not four decades ago. I know that when you were pledging your fraternity there was a really cool senior who wore the collar of his polo shirt popped and in a bout of freshman, low self-esteem, you just wanted to be him. But in the real world, he was just an insecure boy trapped in a pimple free body. Today, when he hits the bar scene, he still has the popped collar, but none of the girls. Also, he has to wake up early tomorrow to open the Kinko's around the corner (he's the manager and the only one with the keys).

Glasses with No Lenses:

I can't believe I even have to discuss this. If you feel the need to wear glasses for any purpose other than to improve your eyesight, wear sunglasses. In fact, just stay home; you probably don't have any friends anyway.

Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggity Dog

So, if you're the parent of an infant or toddler, chances are you've seen an episode of "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse," but have you actually watched it? While this show is great for keeping your child busy while you clean the kitchen or have a bowel movement in peace, there are a few disturbing factors associated with it.

1) Toodles--Toodles is a machine shaped like Mickey's head. It, as Mickey explains, "has the tools when we need 'em." Basically, this inch thick machination brings tools to help Mickey and his pals solve problems. These tools range from anything from a four foot strand of ribbon, to a baby elephant (interesting tool). Then there is the mystery mouske-tool, a surprise tool hidden by a question mark (?); it should be explained here that these tools, entirely by coincidence, are always helpful to Mickey and his pals in their daily problem solving adventures. While this is great and all, I'm not sure the educational ramifications of Toodles are such a good thing. Children are being taught that they can solve any problem they encounter by calling on someone or something that will have the necessary implements to get them out of a jam. Toodles, in a sense, dulls your child's imagination. And let's face it, who is Toodles in real life, me and you, only I don't have a baby elephant in a tutu in my closet in case there is a peanut shell accident in my child's room. Furthermore, as a parent and an adult, I wish I had a Toodles, and I wish his "tools" included money, good credit, and a vacation to the destination of my choice.

2) Professor Von Drake--Is it me, or does Von Drake remind you of one of the exiled German physicists who worked on the Manhattan project?

3) Pete the Cat--is little more than a thug. He's always trying to collect coins from the clubhouse members; he says stuff like, "Pete's my name, collecting coins is my game" and if you don't pay up, he complains to Mickey. At first glance, he's a henchman, but a weak one. After some more thought and a historical cross-reference, Pete is Walt Disney's embodiment of anti-Semitic sentiment.  One thing is for sure--he's clearly in someone's employ. The only thing that doesn't make sense about him is that he wears overalls.

4) Goofy--this is one retarded dog. Why is it that despite the fact that he and his pals call for Toodles the Mouske-tool on a daily basis, Goofy can never remember what they are called; "how's about we call one o' them, mouske-tiddlies, uh, mouske-doohickies;" what the hell is wrong with this dog? And why does he always forget to wear pants? What is his obsession with stinky shoes? Furthermore, why the hell is Goofy, a dog, dating Clarabelle, a cow? That's just gross. And why are they the same size? Is Goofy a really big dog, or is Clarabelle a baby cow (you know, a calf)? Is there statutory rape in the animal kingdom? The existence of Goofy is an insult to your children; he is making them dumber.

5) Clarabelle Cow--Who told this bitch (what do you call female cows anyway, is it the same as female dogs?)that she could sing? And why does she dress like a "bobby-soxer?" She's a cow, right? But she walks on two feet, her udders are always hidden, and she's banging a dog!

6) Donald Duck--I have to admit I have a soft spot this poor guy. He is essentially the "George Costanza" of the Mickey Mouse world. If bad things happen, they happen to him, and as he's fond of reminding us, "it's exasperating!" But why doesn't he wear any pants? Daisy wears pants (she's a Duck too, and Donald's girlfriend, so does every other character, including Von Drake, who is also a Duck).

7) Daisy Duck--this duck is kind of a bitch. She's always ordering Donald around and nothing is ever good enough for her. If Donald writes her a poem, she wants to know where the flowers are. If he gets her flowers, she wants chocolates--no wonder Donald is so exasperated, he can't do anything right! Maybe though we are approaching this all wrong. It seems to me that Daisy might not be all that into duck meat; she follows Minnie around like gold was dripping from her mouske-tail! If I were a betting man, I'd bet my "mouske-tool" that daisy was a mouse-muncher. Oh, and notice that though she wears a skirt, her tail feathers are always hanging out? It ain't for Donald's benefit, I'll tell you that.

8) Minnie Mouse--clearly she's banging Mickey. She struts around all day in her pristine polka-dot outfits and her bow on her head, but take a closer look at her. First of all, she's always in heels, but she can't walk in them. Then there's the fact that her panties are ALWAYS showing! Can't she afford a longer dress? Doesn't Mickey "take care of his bitches?" I don't know what the deal is but there is a weird vibe coming from this mouse; personally, I think she is getting moused and ducked and maybe even goofed and that's why she walks like she's got a stick up her mouse-hole.

9) Mickey Mouse--this guy! Seriously, this mouse is like a dictator and the rest of the characters are like the working proletariat. I think everything points to him being a mob boss. Think about it: he never wears a shirt and no one gives him shit; his "girl" struts around with her panties hanging out all day and no one beckons her to a dark corner of the clubhouse, he has his own secluded ranch (the clubhouse--with all the modern conveniences--including mechanical hands that open doors for him); he has a train, and a private airplane! Furthermore, Pete the (really fat) cat calls him Mickey "the Mouse" which is very reminiscent of some other names: Jimmy "the Fish" and "Jerry the Wolf"--this "mouse" is an autocrat and a pimp! Don't mess with the mouse is my advice or Willie "the Giant" might just pay you a visit and chop off your "beanstalk" if you know what I mean. Cats and dogs show him respect, you better too.

I Tawt I Taw a Titty Tat!

As a person with tattoos, I thought it would be fun to explore some other less-thought-out inked expressions...

The Neck Tattoo:

If you have a neck tattoo, it's pretty much the same thing as having a prison rap sheet etched in your skin. A neck tattoo is your way of telling the world, "I want to stay on welfare for the rest of my life." It doesn't really matter if the tattoo depicts the name of your wife/mistress/baby momma (Esmerelda, Shanay, or DaJuana--some of the more common names) or that it has been done in spiraling calligraphy; you are un-hirable for almost every job that involves walking around in the daylight. That is not to say that there aren't employment opportunities available to you, however. Here is a list of things you can make a career out of:

1. Trash collector

2. Janitor (only at night and never at a school)

3. Pimp

4. Fry cook (they'll keep you in the back and you'll never make manager, but you can take home leftovers!)
5. Blood donor (depending on when you got the tattoo and providing it wasn't done in a garage by your cousin lovingly referred to as Pink Eye).

Lower back tattoo:

There is a reason that this is also called the "Tramp Stamp" or the "Butt Slut" tattoo. It is also an indication of status, usually suggesting that you've been passed around the trailer park more than a sump pump. These tattoos are more often than not tribal in nature and either resemble a tangle of barbed wire or once again, is a reference to one or more of the people you have had sex with. If you have one of these tats, then you are probably not going to land the man of your dreams; by that I mean a man with a high-paying job, or a man who doesn't have frequent bouts of "Roid Rage." Most men will not take a woman with a Tramp Stamp home to meet their mother, but that is okay, because most men who would get involved with you for longer than a forty-eight hour period (just long enough for the combination of Jack Daniels and Meth to wear off) were abandoned by their mothers, or their mothers have a similar tattoo and will be totally excited to compare ink just as soon as they are done on stage. Don't despair though, there are men out there willing to support you and your three kids by three different fathers--see the list above for a complete listing of available career/goal oriented men.

The Titty Tat:

I tawt I saw a titty tat, I did, I did taw a titty tat! And it was on a whore. There are only a few  explanations for this type of body art: 1. I was drunk; 2. I was high; 3. I'm married to a guy with a neck tattoo; 4. My Tramp Stamp already says: Jermichael, so I needed a place to put Jesus; 5. I needed something extra to really make my breasts pop.  If you have one of these tattoos, you're probably a stripper, or a pregnant stripper on hiatus, but on the off chance you are not, do us all a favor and keep your breasts covered up for your soul-mate; he gets off his shift at McDonald's at midnight.

The Tear Drop Tattoo:

We get it, you've committed a murder. You will never have to worry about having a place to sleep or getting your three squares a day! Way to plan for the future.

Animal Tracks:

This is one of those things that depend almost entirely on placement. If they are on your inner thigh, what are you suggesting? If they appear on your shaved pubis, does that mean you have an animal living in there? If they are on one or more of your breasts, well, we've covered that. If you have this anywhere else on your body, then it's not really offensive, but I still don't get the meaning. Are you an animal lover? Why not get a tattoo of an actual animal instead of its footprints? In any case, at least this tat is probably covered up and you can still get a job as a teacher, or a lawyer, or a doctor--better yet, a veterinarian!

The Tribal Arm band:

 Favorite TV show: Jersey Shore

Occupation: UPS Truck Driver

Favorite Hobbies: Tanning, Lifting Weights, Steroids, Girls with Tramp Stamps, Any Kind of Fighting (cold-cocking unsuspecting pedestrians, girl fights, bar fights, picking on "nerds")

Favorite Sport: UFC

Idol: John Cena

IQ: 12

The Foreign Language Tattoo:

These are primarily tattoos in very mysterious and important Chinese and Arabic symbols.  Generally, people who get these tattoos have no connection to the Asian or Arabic cultures. Why not get a tattoo in plain English (or Spanish?) There are a few possibilities:

1) They just think that the foreign language tattoo somehow makes them more intellectual, culturally rounded (it doesn't).

2) The tattoo-bearer can express more in a smaller space.

3) Most likely: they desperately want people to ask them what their tattoo means, giving them the opportunity to, with a serious and contemplative look, explain the symbol--secretly desperate for someone to ask about the back-story. People who get these tattoos think their lives are much more dramatic than they really are.

Sadly, a 19-year-old American can never really be sure that the tattoo means what they think it means. Keep in mind: you are only one squiggly line or dot away from getting the symbol for "llama."

This is of course a partial list, and a stereotypical list at that. I realize that many of us didn't realize what we were telling the world when we decided to jump on the "I'm a free human being and I'm going to prove my rebellious nature" train, myself included. There are many more ridiculous kinds of tattoos, but who has the time?

 Next time we'll be discussing outdated modes of physical expression such as the mullet and the rat tail.

Roasted Chicken with Salsa Verde

Roasted Chicken with Salsa Verde

and Bacon mashed Potatoes

Ingredients:

1 Whole Chicken                                           3 Large potatoes

1 Lemon                                                          4 Strips Bacon

Fresh Mint                                                      Milk

Fresh Thyme                                                  Butter

Fresh Rosemary                                            Salt/Pepper

One Jalapeño                                                Parmesan Cheese

1 Shallot                                                         Green Onion

1 bulb of garlic

1 White Onion

Olive Oil

Bay leaves (dry or fresh)

Salt/pepper

Preparation:

1) The night before, salt the chicken and place in refrigerator (this will give the chicken a chance to absorb the flavor.

2) Next day, remove chicken from refrigerator 1 hour before cooking time (about 2-2 1/2 before dinner time--this allows chicken to become room temperature and will ensure even cooking).

3) Preheat oven to 385 degrees.

4) Stuff the cavity of the chicken with Half an onion, half an entire bulb of garlic and a handful of rosemary sprigs.

5) Slice lemon (about six thin slices). Place slices under the chicken skin (between the skin and the chicken breast), do the same with the bay leaves (6-8 full leaves). Coat the chicken in olive oil, place in oven (cooking time for chicken will vary depending on the size of the bird--a small bird will take anywhere between 45-60 minutes, a large one anywhere between 60-90 minutes--see if you can find one with a thermometer built in; also, for a large bird, tuck wings under the bird and tie legs together for a more even cooking).

6) Take out a mixing bowl. Chop a handful of mint and a handful of time (a light chop--leaves don't have to be too thin). Finely chop the Shallot (peel first). Chop the Jalapeno (you can remove the seeds for less heat in the salsa--or leave them in). Chop three cloves garlic. Add all of these ingredients in a mixing bowl, combine with 1/2 cup olive oil, and half a squeezed lemon, stir. (The longer this mixture sits the better it will infuse--ie. the better it will taste).

7) Slice Potatoes into 1/2 inch cubes, boil.

8) Fry bacon.

9) Slice green onion stalks into thin slices

10) Slice bacon into small pieces. Combine in a mixing bowl with potatoes, 3 tablespoons butter, 1/2 cup of milk (eyeball for desired consistency) salt and pepper, parmesan cheese green onion. Whisk (I prefer to use an electric mixer--makes for smoother potatoes). May need more milk and butter.

11) When chicken is thoroughly cooked, remove from oven and let stand for ten minutes. Then separate chicken: breasts, wings, thighs, legs (most easily done with cooking shears). Place chicken pieces on a platter, liberally apply salsa verde on all the pieces.

12) Serve chicken with mashed potatoes!

NFL's Best and Worst of 2012

It's that time of year again; soon the NFL season will begin and I, like many others will be doing my research well ahead of time for my fantasy football team(s). So I thought I would take a look at some of the best and worst offseason free agent signings (By the way, this is only for players who signed with new teams, not free agents who re-signed). So, let's get to it!

Best:

1) Mario Williams--signs with the Buffalo Bills for $100 million dollars! Is he worth it? Hell yeah, if he stays healthy. If the Bills want to compete in the AFC east, they need a pass rusher and they have landed one of the best in Williams. This does not mean that they are the cream of the crop by any means, but they took a step in the right direction; they needed someone who could put tom Brady on his ass, and got him. Unfortunately, they will still finish no better than second in that division behind the Patriots, but that could be enough to earn a wild card spot.

2) Brandon Lloyd--One of the best signings of the off season. He signs with the Patriots, ensuring that Tom Brady will have another monster year. Lloyd will have one of his best as well. Once the Patriots sign Welker, and they will, the combination of those two with Gronkowksi and Hernandez will be hard to defend. Look for the patriots to win the division yet again.

3) Brandon Marshall--Big move for the Bears. Let's face it, they have a pretty good defense and a frighteningly talented running back in Forte. What they were missing was a wide receiver threat. Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler now has that threat, a threat made even more potent because Cutler and Marshall know each other well; they played together in Denver. Look for the Bears to take the next step.

4) BenJarvus Green-Ellis--this is a great signing for the Bengals, though it remains to be seen if it is a good signing for Green-Ellis. The Bengals are clearly trying to rebuild and they're doing a great job, at least offensively. Andy Dalton is and should remain a tough, grind it out quarterback and he's got good, young receivers to throw to in Green and Simpson. Now they have gotten young, and in my opinion, better at running back. Green-Ellis will finally get the chance to show that he can be an every down running back (he was a tandem back in New England) and he should thrive. Let's not forget that Green-Ellis has never fumbled in his career!

5) Randy Moss--I know what you're thinking and you're right--this might blow up in my face, but I have faith. Clearly Alex Smith needs someone reliable to throw to besides Vernon Davis, and Moss is that man. Is he going to beat CB's and Safeties down the field, not as much as he used to, but enough to make a difference. If Moss comes to play, and I think he will, at worst, he'll be a defensive distraction, creating opportunities from Davis and Crabtree; at best, he'll catch 8-10 touchdowns and make Alex Smith look better than he is. Let's not forget that the 49er's should have beat the Giants last year and probably should have been in the Super bowl--Moss might get them to the next step if he has the sense to play hard.

6) Matt Flynn--He might just be a flash in the pan. He might blow up in the face of Pete Carroll and the Seahawks front office, but he might also propel the Seahawks to second place in a crappy division (San Francisco will win that division again). Will it be enough to make the playoffs? No, but it might be enough to make the Seahawks relevant again and a serious building block for the future. And let's face it; Seattle needs something to cheer about; one of the best cities in the country in need of a team they can get behind.

The Worst:

The temptation here is to go in order, starting with the absolute worst signings, but I'm going to go in the opposite direction and save the worst for last.

1) Michael Bush--I'm not sure what the bears are thinking. They land Brandon Marshall to help a suspect wide receiving core and then sign Bush. They were literally on the cusp of contending for that division and they have to go and piss off Matt Forte, who is without a doubt one of the elite running backs in the league. I'm not sure what the message is here; "Hey Forte, you're expendable." Or something along the lines of "If you think you're going to get paid top tier running back money, think again!" Whatever it is that the Bears organization is doing, they need to do an about face, buy Forte an Island and tell Bush he's benched unless Forte gets hurt.

2) Vincent Jackson--clearly the man was in it for the money. Either that or he wanted to stick it to San Diego for the way they treated him, but even then, he was essentially the best Wide Receiver on the market and could have gone ANYWHERE! Instead, he signs with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers! Even with this signing the Bucs are still the third best team in that division behind New Orleans and Atlanta. They have no chance at the playoffs and Josh Freeman is not the answer!

3) Laurent Robinson--great for the Cowboys last year and he should have stayed. But he is not worth the 5 year $32.5 million dollar contract the Jaguars gave him. Good for him for getting paid, and nice try by the Jaguars to give their fans something to cheer about, but what does it really matter when you are lacking in almost every other position besides running back?

4) Peyton Hillis--What was the point in this signing? The Chiefs already have Jamaal Charles. Is this meant to motivate Charles not to get hurt or as back-up in case he does? Why bother spending $3 million on a guy who is just as injury prone; they should have saved that money to shore up their defense or replace the failed experiment that is Matt Cassel.

5) Tim Tebow--we all know that Tebow is a winner, but he's not likely to be with the Jets. Let's face it, the Jets already have problems; their coach is more of a sorority president than a football coach and there is already dissention in the ranks between Santonio Holmes and Mark Sanchez. So how do the Jets rectify the problem? They bring in Tebow who is a terrible fit for the Jets. On the one hand, Tebow gives Holmes another excuse not to support his starting QB (Sanchez), on the other hand, it shows Sanchez that the franchise has no faith in his ability and that he is definitely expendable if he doesn't live up to their standards (which he won't because the Jets hotchpotch of has been's and near-do-wells won't be able to compete with either the Patriots or the Bills). Further complicating matters is the fact that the New York media is going to eat Tebow alive! In Denver, Tebow had the ideal situation--no one expected them to win and the whole city and organization was happy to go along for the ride when it came to the winning streak and making the playoffs. In New York, you are expected to make the playoffs EVERY year and if you don't, you have failed. Why do you think Sanchez is under the gun (and this is a guy who took the Jets to the playoffs two years in a row)? The media is going to eat Tebow alive and not just because the Jets will fail to make the playoffs again this year--and probably must distressingly, they'll continue to ask him asinine questions regarding his plans for becoming a minister in the future. That being said, I am a Tebow fan and I love the fact that he is so open about his religion. In fact, I think it is terrible that the media gives him shit for it. Maybe they should focus on those guys on the field who cross themselves and point to God every time they score a touchdown and then commit vehicular manslaughter because they were drunk driving after the game or out on bail for domestic violence.

6) Peyton Manning--I know, everyone loves Peyton--I love Peyton; he is (in my opinion) one of the top eight quarterbacks to have ever played the game, but facts are facts. Let's forget that he is 36 years old for a minute and the Broncos signed him to a five year deal meaning that he would have to play until he was Vinny Testaverde's age before he retired. Here's a guy who is playing the most dangerous, most vicious, most short-lived sport in the world and he's had three neck surgeries! Healthy guys are one bad luck hit away from having their careers ended; what chance does a guy whose neck vertebrae have been fused together stand? I don't care how good he is it's stupid business sense to pay a guy that much money, to pin your hopes on him, when in all likelihood he probably won't make it through the season let alone his five year deal. Don't get me wrong, I hope he does, but percentage wise, it's probably not going to happen. It's like me taking $92 Million dollars and playing on the pass line at an Atlantic City casino....

Fame and Unfortunate

There was a time in America when you had to have talent to become famous. Sure it didn't hurt that you were attractive but it wasn't necessarily a prerequisite--Mickey Rooney made it big and more recently, Kathy Bates has been a huge success. However, things have taken a startling turn for the worse in Hollywood. It seems like all you have to do to become famous today is have a sex tape, large breasts, and a willingness to humiliate yourself. Don't get me wrong, a good portion of "reality TV." is very funny, and is even educational in the sense that a number of these people are a great template for showing us what morally reprehensible behavior is. But these people, instead of being shunned or even driven from our cities by an angry, torch bearing mob, have achieved fame, wealth, and have been thrust into the limelight; God forbid your children come to idolize any of the stars/starlets mentioned below. So here are my top seven most dangerous celebrities along with a brief explanation as to why they could do more damage to the children of America than a Christmas stocking filled with razor blades, cocaine, and an open bottle of Drano.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Okay, this first one should come as no surprise and if you're reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, as I am, "the whole cast of Jersey Shore should be included here," but I am thinking of Snooki as indicative of the whole, the (if this is even possible) embodiment of each cast member at their worst. So, what is Snooki famous for? As far as I can tell, her claims to fame include frequent public intoxication, promiscuity, and varying degrees of lewd and outrageous behavior (to be fair she is often drunk enough to fall down and hurt herself, which is hilarious, but she never hurts herself enough to cause permanent damage). Oh, and she likes to show her breasts, as unfortunate as that may be. To top things off, she is now pregnant and I am having a tough time imagining a worse mom (only Lizzy Borden comes to mind). Yet she is "famous" and is in a position to influence the youth of America--save yourself and your children; ban Snooki from your lives immediately!

Kim Kardashian

I chose this photo because it is indicative of what Ms. Kardashian offers the world as a whole; a skimpy covering of her curves. I've thought long and hard about this but I have no idea why she is famous. That only leaves one possibility, T and A, and she has an abundance of both. I suppose she could owe her fame to a morally denuded society that is impressed by her sex tape, her short-lived teenage marriage, or her more recent 72 day marriage to basketballer Kris Humphries (who I think she only married so the Kardashian family could add another "K" name to the family tree). The one positive thing Kim has done for the world is to show us all that her sister, Khloe, is a really nice person and despite what some may think, is much more attractive than Bigfoot. Unfortunately for us, Kim has recently announced that she will run for mayor of Glendale, California--and it wouldn't surprise me if she won! And if the good people of Glendale vote for her, they deserve what they get!

Linsey Lohan

From precocious child star, to alcoholic, pseudo-lesbian with "Meth" teeth, in just a few short years. I only include her on the off chance that you or your child still find her worthwhile, attractive, or relevant in any way, instead of as the joke she has become. In fact, I have to give Lindsey and her parents some credit; her life story serves as a veritable manual of what NOT to do if your child lands an acting gig.

Charlie Sheen

Another no-brainer! This man has defied the odds and managed to stay famous despite a career littered with movies such as Terminal Velocity and The Arrival and how has he done it, through a very public drug addiction and a proclivity for prostitutes (oh, and he likes to abuse his wives too)! What's worse is that he actually took his real life problems and made them into a #1 rated sitcom, Two and a Half Men (which is an indictment on the state of American morality)! The only thing that semi-saved us was that Charlie began to believe the hype in his own head causing him to slip into a state of paranoia fueled narcissism, that was only rarely interrupted by annoying bouts of lucidity. However, this fool will not go away and is set to star in the new FX comedy, Anger management. Fortunately, the show is already facing a $50 million dollar lawsuit; we can only hope that this ends in the show being canceled and Charlie finally fading into obscurity where he belongs.

Tila Tequila

 

I'm guessing that isn't her real name, but who knows in this world where children are being named Pilot Instructor and Bronx Mowgli! Just kidding, apparently her name stems from her experiments with alcohol at the ripe old age of thirteen. She is famous for being naked in Playboy (and just about everywhere else) and her bi-sexual themed reality show, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. That being said, I don't have a problem with bi-sexuality, homosexuality, or any other kind of sexuality as long as it is not a danger to animals or as a stepping stone from anonymity to stardom. I'm not sure what else to say about this woman except maybe that she is a waste of perfectly good DNA.

Scott Disick

Scott Disick is a winner. He is rich. He is moderately famous. He landed himself a Kardashian. He's also a huge asshole and a terrible example for his children. About the only positive thing he has done is that he's shown apparently heterosexual men that it is okay to where an ascot or a lilac colored suit.

Jon and Kate Gosselin

Kudos, Jon and Kate. You showed the world that some people should have to get a license before they are allowed to have children. What do you get when you cross two manipulative, selfish, fame whores? Neglected children-- eight of them in fact. The only positive thing these two did for their children was to split-up. However, realizing that they committed a self-less act, one that might have allowed their children to grow up healthy and well-adjusted, the couple has apparently decided to reconcile and get back together.

Well, there it is. If you can think of anyone else who deserves to be on the list, please feel free to make suggestions; I would be happy to update the list.

Notables who didn't make the cut either because they have lost any semblance of relevance or because they have a modicum of talent:

Paris Hilton (relevance)

Nicole Richie (relevance)

Miley Cyrus (modicum of talent)

Mike The Situation (part of the conglomerate that is Snooki)

Angelina Jolie (modicum of talent)

Britney Spears (modicum of talent)

Michael Jackson (dead, therefore relevance)

Something for the kiddies...Pizza-dillas

If you are looking for a quick, easy meal for the kids, try my Pizza-dillas. They are super easy and delicious!

What you need: Flour tortillas, mozzarella cheese, tomato sauce, cooking spray.

Preparation: Heat non-stick frying pan over medium heat. Coat with cooking spray. Place one tortilla in the pan. Use a spoon to apply tomato sauce on tortilla, then cover with mozzarella cheese. Place second tortilla on top. Flip when bottom tortilla is golden brown--brown subsequent side. Remove from heat and slice into fours (or eighths) with pizza cutter.

Mini Meatloaf with Smashed Potatoes in Spicy Aioli

Here's a great way to impress your wife that doesn't take much time and, even better, doesn't cost much money.

Ingredients:

3/4 pound lean ground beef                                                      10-12 Yukon Gold Potatoes (mini or small)

4 cloves garlic                                                                                4 Tablespoons Mayonnaise

1 lemon                                                                                          Paprika

4 slices mozzarella                                                                       Hot Sauce

4 stalks broccoli                                                                            Salt/Pepper

2 tablespoons A.1. NY steakhouse marinade                          Olive Oil                  

1 tablespoon salsa

4 teaspoons tomato sauce (or ketchup)

2 tablespoons parmesan cheese

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

Preparation:

1) Slice broccoli stalks in half place in boiling water.

2) Place potatoes into boiling water.

3) Take out to mixing bowls. Mince garlic. Put half of the minced garlic in one bowl, half in the other.

4) In one of the mixing bowls, place ground beef. Zest a lemon over the top of the meat (this is done by rubbing a lemon over a cheese grater--zest entire lemon peel). Add A.1. steak sauce, salsa, parmesan cheese, and Worcestershire sauce. Mix (if meat is too moist add bread crumbs)

5) Separate meat mixture into four large balls. In turn, place meatball onto cutting board and flatten until it resembles a large, but thin hamburger patty. Cover each patty with a slice of mozzarella cheese. Place two halves of broccoli in the middle of each patty (tree ends at opposite ends). Fold meat over cheese and broccoli (start with the middle, then fold over the ends--you should not be able to see either cheese of broccoli). Heat oven to 380 degrees. Coat a baking dish with cooking spray, place mini meatloaf into baking dish, coat each meatloaf with tomato sauce or ketchup, place in oven. Cook 20-25 minutes.

6) In second mixing bowl, combine half the mixed garlic with 4 tablespoons mayo. Add 3-5 liberal dashes of paprika, 3-4 good squirts of hot sauce, and some salt and pepper. Mix.

7) Remove potatoes from boiling water (you know they're done when they are fork tender--place a fork in the middle of the potato and lift; if the potato slides off the fork it is done). In large frying pan, heat a generous amount of Olive oil (you can also use vegetable oil or if you want super delicious, bacon grease). On a cutting board "smash" the potatoes (this is done by gently pressing down on the potato--you do not want it to crumble or fall apart, just smush some). Add potatoes to frying pan. Cook until golden brown, then flip and brown the other side. When done, immediately add to Aioli mixture (mayo, hot sauce, etc.) stir making sure the potatoes are completely covered.

8) Serve meatloaf and potatoes!