Fame and Unfortunate

There was a time in America when you had to have talent to become famous. Sure it didn't hurt that you were attractive but it wasn't necessarily a prerequisite--Mickey Rooney made it big and more recently, Kathy Bates has been a huge success. However, things have taken a startling turn for the worse in Hollywood. It seems like all you have to do to become famous today is have a sex tape, large breasts, and a willingness to humiliate yourself. Don't get me wrong, a good portion of "reality TV." is very funny, and is even educational in the sense that a number of these people are a great template for showing us what morally reprehensible behavior is. But these people, instead of being shunned or even driven from our cities by an angry, torch bearing mob, have achieved fame, wealth, and have been thrust into the limelight; God forbid your children come to idolize any of the stars/starlets mentioned below. So here are my top seven most dangerous celebrities along with a brief explanation as to why they could do more damage to the children of America than a Christmas stocking filled with razor blades, cocaine, and an open bottle of Drano.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

Okay, this first one should come as no surprise and if you're reading this, you're probably thinking to yourself, as I am, "the whole cast of Jersey Shore should be included here," but I am thinking of Snooki as indicative of the whole, the (if this is even possible) embodiment of each cast member at their worst. So, what is Snooki famous for? As far as I can tell, her claims to fame include frequent public intoxication, promiscuity, and varying degrees of lewd and outrageous behavior (to be fair she is often drunk enough to fall down and hurt herself, which is hilarious, but she never hurts herself enough to cause permanent damage). Oh, and she likes to show her breasts, as unfortunate as that may be. To top things off, she is now pregnant and I am having a tough time imagining a worse mom (only Lizzy Borden comes to mind). Yet she is "famous" and is in a position to influence the youth of America--save yourself and your children; ban Snooki from your lives immediately!

Kim Kardashian

I chose this photo because it is indicative of what Ms. Kardashian offers the world as a whole; a skimpy covering of her curves. I've thought long and hard about this but I have no idea why she is famous. That only leaves one possibility, T and A, and she has an abundance of both. I suppose she could owe her fame to a morally denuded society that is impressed by her sex tape, her short-lived teenage marriage, or her more recent 72 day marriage to basketballer Kris Humphries (who I think she only married so the Kardashian family could add another "K" name to the family tree). The one positive thing Kim has done for the world is to show us all that her sister, Khloe, is a really nice person and despite what some may think, is much more attractive than Bigfoot. Unfortunately for us, Kim has recently announced that she will run for mayor of Glendale, California--and it wouldn't surprise me if she won! And if the good people of Glendale vote for her, they deserve what they get!

Linsey Lohan

From precocious child star, to alcoholic, pseudo-lesbian with "Meth" teeth, in just a few short years. I only include her on the off chance that you or your child still find her worthwhile, attractive, or relevant in any way, instead of as the joke she has become. In fact, I have to give Lindsey and her parents some credit; her life story serves as a veritable manual of what NOT to do if your child lands an acting gig.

Charlie Sheen

Another no-brainer! This man has defied the odds and managed to stay famous despite a career littered with movies such as Terminal Velocity and The Arrival and how has he done it, through a very public drug addiction and a proclivity for prostitutes (oh, and he likes to abuse his wives too)! What's worse is that he actually took his real life problems and made them into a #1 rated sitcom, Two and a Half Men (which is an indictment on the state of American morality)! The only thing that semi-saved us was that Charlie began to believe the hype in his own head causing him to slip into a state of paranoia fueled narcissism, that was only rarely interrupted by annoying bouts of lucidity. However, this fool will not go away and is set to star in the new FX comedy, Anger management. Fortunately, the show is already facing a $50 million dollar lawsuit; we can only hope that this ends in the show being canceled and Charlie finally fading into obscurity where he belongs.

Tila Tequila

 

I'm guessing that isn't her real name, but who knows in this world where children are being named Pilot Instructor and Bronx Mowgli! Just kidding, apparently her name stems from her experiments with alcohol at the ripe old age of thirteen. She is famous for being naked in Playboy (and just about everywhere else) and her bi-sexual themed reality show, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. That being said, I don't have a problem with bi-sexuality, homosexuality, or any other kind of sexuality as long as it is not a danger to animals or as a stepping stone from anonymity to stardom. I'm not sure what else to say about this woman except maybe that she is a waste of perfectly good DNA.

Scott Disick

Scott Disick is a winner. He is rich. He is moderately famous. He landed himself a Kardashian. He's also a huge asshole and a terrible example for his children. About the only positive thing he has done is that he's shown apparently heterosexual men that it is okay to where an ascot or a lilac colored suit.

Jon and Kate Gosselin

Kudos, Jon and Kate. You showed the world that some people should have to get a license before they are allowed to have children. What do you get when you cross two manipulative, selfish, fame whores? Neglected children-- eight of them in fact. The only positive thing these two did for their children was to split-up. However, realizing that they committed a self-less act, one that might have allowed their children to grow up healthy and well-adjusted, the couple has apparently decided to reconcile and get back together.

Well, there it is. If you can think of anyone else who deserves to be on the list, please feel free to make suggestions; I would be happy to update the list.

Notables who didn't make the cut either because they have lost any semblance of relevance or because they have a modicum of talent:

Paris Hilton (relevance)

Nicole Richie (relevance)

Miley Cyrus (modicum of talent)

Mike The Situation (part of the conglomerate that is Snooki)

Angelina Jolie (modicum of talent)

Britney Spears (modicum of talent)

Michael Jackson (dead, therefore relevance)