I Tawt I Taw a Titty Tat!

As a person with tattoos, I thought it would be fun to explore some other less-thought-out inked expressions...

The Neck Tattoo:

If you have a neck tattoo, it's pretty much the same thing as having a prison rap sheet etched in your skin. A neck tattoo is your way of telling the world, "I want to stay on welfare for the rest of my life." It doesn't really matter if the tattoo depicts the name of your wife/mistress/baby momma (Esmerelda, Shanay, or DaJuana--some of the more common names) or that it has been done in spiraling calligraphy; you are un-hirable for almost every job that involves walking around in the daylight. That is not to say that there aren't employment opportunities available to you, however. Here is a list of things you can make a career out of:

1. Trash collector

2. Janitor (only at night and never at a school)

3. Pimp

4. Fry cook (they'll keep you in the back and you'll never make manager, but you can take home leftovers!)
5. Blood donor (depending on when you got the tattoo and providing it wasn't done in a garage by your cousin lovingly referred to as Pink Eye).

Lower back tattoo:

There is a reason that this is also called the "Tramp Stamp" or the "Butt Slut" tattoo. It is also an indication of status, usually suggesting that you've been passed around the trailer park more than a sump pump. These tattoos are more often than not tribal in nature and either resemble a tangle of barbed wire or once again, is a reference to one or more of the people you have had sex with. If you have one of these tats, then you are probably not going to land the man of your dreams; by that I mean a man with a high-paying job, or a man who doesn't have frequent bouts of "Roid Rage." Most men will not take a woman with a Tramp Stamp home to meet their mother, but that is okay, because most men who would get involved with you for longer than a forty-eight hour period (just long enough for the combination of Jack Daniels and Meth to wear off) were abandoned by their mothers, or their mothers have a similar tattoo and will be totally excited to compare ink just as soon as they are done on stage. Don't despair though, there are men out there willing to support you and your three kids by three different fathers--see the list above for a complete listing of available career/goal oriented men.

The Titty Tat:

I tawt I saw a titty tat, I did, I did taw a titty tat! And it was on a whore. There are only a few  explanations for this type of body art: 1. I was drunk; 2. I was high; 3. I'm married to a guy with a neck tattoo; 4. My Tramp Stamp already says: Jermichael, so I needed a place to put Jesus; 5. I needed something extra to really make my breasts pop.  If you have one of these tattoos, you're probably a stripper, or a pregnant stripper on hiatus, but on the off chance you are not, do us all a favor and keep your breasts covered up for your soul-mate; he gets off his shift at McDonald's at midnight.

The Tear Drop Tattoo:

We get it, you've committed a murder. You will never have to worry about having a place to sleep or getting your three squares a day! Way to plan for the future.

Animal Tracks:

This is one of those things that depend almost entirely on placement. If they are on your inner thigh, what are you suggesting? If they appear on your shaved pubis, does that mean you have an animal living in there? If they are on one or more of your breasts, well, we've covered that. If you have this anywhere else on your body, then it's not really offensive, but I still don't get the meaning. Are you an animal lover? Why not get a tattoo of an actual animal instead of its footprints? In any case, at least this tat is probably covered up and you can still get a job as a teacher, or a lawyer, or a doctor--better yet, a veterinarian!

The Tribal Arm band:

 Favorite TV show: Jersey Shore

Occupation: UPS Truck Driver

Favorite Hobbies: Tanning, Lifting Weights, Steroids, Girls with Tramp Stamps, Any Kind of Fighting (cold-cocking unsuspecting pedestrians, girl fights, bar fights, picking on "nerds")

Favorite Sport: UFC

Idol: John Cena

IQ: 12

The Foreign Language Tattoo:

These are primarily tattoos in very mysterious and important Chinese and Arabic symbols.  Generally, people who get these tattoos have no connection to the Asian or Arabic cultures. Why not get a tattoo in plain English (or Spanish?) There are a few possibilities:

1) They just think that the foreign language tattoo somehow makes them more intellectual, culturally rounded (it doesn't).

2) The tattoo-bearer can express more in a smaller space.

3) Most likely: they desperately want people to ask them what their tattoo means, giving them the opportunity to, with a serious and contemplative look, explain the symbol--secretly desperate for someone to ask about the back-story. People who get these tattoos think their lives are much more dramatic than they really are.

Sadly, a 19-year-old American can never really be sure that the tattoo means what they think it means. Keep in mind: you are only one squiggly line or dot away from getting the symbol for "llama."

This is of course a partial list, and a stereotypical list at that. I realize that many of us didn't realize what we were telling the world when we decided to jump on the "I'm a free human being and I'm going to prove my rebellious nature" train, myself included. There are many more ridiculous kinds of tattoos, but who has the time?

 Next time we'll be discussing outdated modes of physical expression such as the mullet and the rat tail.