The Cleaning Fairy

Because it was an absolutely beautiful Sunday afternoon, I was sitting on the couch watching the New York Yankees take on the Detroit Tigers. I asked my wife if she planned on sitting down to watch the game with me--she muttered something about there being a Yankees game on every day (I couldn't really hear everything she said because at that exact moment, Derek Jeter smacked a single up the middle, bringing his average to a league leading .396), but I remember thinking something about the fact that she was right and we were so lucky to be living in New York City where something like 156 of the 162 games are televised. In any case, while I was enjoying the game, I noticed that my wife kept going in and out of the kitchen. She would look in my direction every once in a while and I started to become concerned because there was a serious look of alarm growing on her face. However, rather than push the issue, I knew (my wife being who she is) that she would tell me what was bothering her soon enough. Around the third inning, that time finally came--my wife, Melissa, called me into the kitchen. She pointed to the wall behind the garbage can and asked if I knew how that area got clean; I knew this was a trap. I shrugged my shoulders and kept my mouth shut. She talked at some length about how disgusting that area gets, how bits of food and other filth gets stuck to the wall and how difficult it is to clean it all off. I listened dutifully with a sheepish look on my face until she finished. She then asked me again if I knew how that area gets clean; I told her that of course I did, kissed her on the cheek and went back into the living room to watch the game; mercifully, she did not press the issue, she simply sighed to herself and disappeared into the bathroom for twenty minutes or so.

You cannot imagine the relief I felt when she let the matter drop. You see, my wife is a very sensitive soul--she is troubled by the existence of things that you and I try not to think about on a daily basis: the Devil, Ghosts, and of course, the Cleaning Fairy! We have been married four years now and while I tease her every once in a while about her fear of the supernatural, mostly we just gloss over the subject, afraid to say anything concrete frightened that the words will give substance to her fears. However, while entities like demons and ghosts can be malevolent, the Cleaning Fairy is a kind spirit; my wife's unnatural trepidation of this character is wholly unwarranted! Basically it works like this: my wife will spend a few days telling me how badly something needs to be cleaned; for example, "Nick, the toilet is disgusting! Don't you think it is about time someone cleaned it?" Usually, I am in complete agreement, and said area/appliance really is revoltingly dirty and I am secretly happy she has mentioned it because the words need to be said out loud for the process to begin; it's like a magical incantation. The next part is the most difficult one, I have to ignore the object that is filthy for as long as possible (as the Cleaning Fairy is unpredictable, this may take anywhere from 2 days to a week). Now, I know the Cleaning Fairy will eventually show up, but my wife lacks patience; the same day she complains that something is dirty, she expects to come home from work to find everything spotless, but I know better--since I am a work from home dad, who also takes care of his child all day long, when is the Cleaning Fairy supposed to find the opportunity to clean the toilet or the bathtub or do the dishes when my son, Declan and I are running around the house all day? The Cleaning Fairy enjoys her anonymity and has kept her identity a secret since the first man and woman set up house together; she's not just going to reveal herself to me because my wife lacks patience! But this is something you can't say to my wife; she wants the spirit in and out of her house as soon as possible. What follows is, Melissa mopes around the house, constantly checking on the toilet and bathtub and everything else she wants cleaned and shakes her head and mutters under her breath when the work isn't done; can you imagine having to watch/listen to that for 2 days to a week! It's exhausting. At least I can take solace from the fact that I know the work is going to get done. I have to be realistic too; the Cleaning Fairy has a lot of houses to clean (apparently she's not as powerful as Santa Clause who can deliver presents to all the kiddies in the world overnight, but let's face it, cleaning a toilet is a lot more complicated and time consuming than dropping off a gift). In any case, after a few days my toilet bowl is sparkling, my bathtub is grime free, and all the bits of food behind the kitchen garbage pan have miraculously disappeared!

The Cleaning Fairy may not get the kind of exposure that some other supernatural entities do (the Devil, Ghosts, Santa Clause), but she is a hero in my eyes; the work she does is tireless, and at times, downright nasty. If it wasn't for the Cleaning Fairy we would all be living in squalor and there should be a day dedicated in celebration of everything she does, maybe sometime in May just before Mother's Day? Thank you Cleaning Fairy--you allow my wife and I more time to spend together, and therefore help us to have a happier, healthier relationship! Every married couple in the world owes you a sincere debt of gratitude...